Gaslighting Guide: What it is, how to respond, how it damages intuition and methods for intuition repair

Brianna D. Mann, Ph.D.

When children grow up in homes with a parent(s) with significant mental health concerns, they often experience abuse and neglect. This is because the parent has difficulty regulating their own emotional experiences and taking care of their own emotional and physical needs. This makes it very difficult for the parent to respond to conflict and emotional distress in healthy ways and to take care of the needs of others, including their children. As a result, there is often a lot of parental immaturity, negative emotion, chaos, substance use, yelling, name calling, too much or too little supervision, controlling behavior, little attention paid to the child’s feelings and needs, gaslighting, physical or sexual abuse, and role reversals, with the children taking care of the household, the parent and the parent’s needs.

Gaslighting defined

Today, we are going to highlight the phenomenon of gaslighting specifically because it is particularly deleterious and present in all forms of abuse (emotional, physical and sexual). The name comes from a 1938 British play (later made into a film) called, Gas Light, involving a husband using the characteristic tactics we will discuss against his wife (Wikipedia-Gas Light, 1938). Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that occurs when a perpetrator causes their victim to doubt their sanity and experience of reality by implicitly or explicitly conveying that:

their experiences aren’t real;
their feelings are wrong;
their memory of events is incorrect;
they don’t know what they need or want, but the perpetrator does;
they aren’t who they think they are;
the perpetrator’s behavior is somehow the victim’s fault;
nothing is wrong, even though something seems wrong;
it is okay or normal for terrible things to happen like emotional, physical or sexual abuse;
the perpetrator’s objectionable behaviors or personality characteristics are actually the victim’s (called projection).

Gaslighting is a major problem because it causes a person to doubt their sense of reality, feelings, and their gut, otherwise known as intuition or instincts. The research shows that when people believe gaslighting; that is, when they believe that their natural (and normal) responses to trauma and abuse are wrong and they, in turn, believe that there is something wrong with them (rather than something wrong with what is being done to them), they are more likely to go on to develop PTSD, as opposed to recover from traumatic experiences naturally (Ehlers & Clark, 2008). So, when individuals experience gaslighting, and as a result, learn to distrust their feelings, experiences and intuitive gut, following trauma, they are at risk for developing PTSD.

Gaslighting doesn’t just occur in childhood within the context of child-caregiver interactions. It occurs across the lifespan with friends, romantic partners, coworkers, bosses, siblings, other relatives, in workplaces, within institutions and culturally. In this article, I am going to highlight gaslighting during the child-caregiver interactions of childhood because its occurrence during this critical period tends to be the most insidious and often sets the stage for repeated abuse, neglect, exploitation and gaslighting throughout a person’s lifetime (Office for National Statistics, 2017).

Gaslighting in action

As I’ll discuss in the following examples, gaslighting is incredibly confusing and damaging for children who are, by their nature, very impressionable and concrete thinkers. Gaslighting can take any number of forms. It occurs when a selfish parent repeatedly tells a child that they are selfish, even if that child is actually very generous. Gaslighting occurs when a parent says mean things or yells at a child, which result in the child becoming (justifiably) upset, and the parent responds to this emotional upset by saying things like, “Stop being so sensitive. Stop overreacting. I was joking. Can’t you take a joke? You misunderstood me. That’s not what I meant. Are you crying? I’ll give you something to cry about!” Gaslighting occurs when a parent blames the child for their abusive or destructive behavior: “I’m yelling at you because you are an ungrateful brat,” or, “I need to drink because you irritate the shit out of me.” It also occurs when a parent makes a purely self-serving decision (e.g., marrying a person who dislikes the child because they don’t want to be alone), then tells the child they did it for them, even if it is actually harmful to the child.

Gaslighting takes place when caregivers use physical punishment like spanking or slapping and then say, “I’m only doing this because I love you,” or, “I’m just trying to teach you a lesson.” This is confusing to children because this behavior certainly doesn’t feel very loving and doesn’t really teach a lesson, other than to fear the parent. A parent may engage in other forms of physical abuse or even sexual abuse, and then act as if they’ve done nothing wrong or act as if their behavior is normal. But, the child’s experience of what’s happened indicates something is wrong and not normal, so they are left feeling confused and wondering whose experience was valid, theirs or their parent’s. The child often feels a mix of fear, hatred and love towards the person they are supposed to love unconditionally and who is supposed to keep them safe, not be the cause of their fear and endangerment. This is very confusing and makes the child doubt the validity of their natural reactions to the trauma, increasing their likelihood of developing PTSD, as discussed above.

Gaslighting creates harmful programming: A conditioned response to distrust or shut down intuition

Getting upset when being abused or neglected is a completely healthy, useful and adaptive reaction to abuse and neglect. But, through gaslighting, children learn that getting upset isn’t a healthy response to abuse and neglect. The parent conveys the message, either explicitly or implicitly, that nothing is wrong with abusive and neglectful behavior. So, children learn that they shouldn’t feel upset at all by this type of behavior because their intuitive assessment of the situation was completely wrong: They misread the situation as upsetting, when in fact, everything was fine.

When children go a step further and actually object to abusive behavior (e.g., by telling the parent they don’t like them or their behavior), the parent often punishes them more, by becoming more upset, more abusive or by engaging in other mean behaviors (e.g., breaking toys, assigning unreasonable manual labor, removing privileges and freedoms, etc.). According to the abusive parent, the child’s intuitive assessment was not only wrong, but a punishable offense.

But, the child’s intuitive assessment wasn’t wrong. It was completely accurate. Yet, children are told by the person who is in a position of power over them, by the person responsible for ensuring their survival and for teaching them what is right and wrong, that they are wrong, so children conclude that they must be wrong. And, the consequences of trying to understand their confusion or seek justice, by objecting or asking questions, are severe (i.e., further punishment). There is no system of checks and balances in place, only totalitarianism.

When abusive parents cause children to doubt intuition or punish them for tuning into intuition and objecting to objectionable behavior, the child’s intuitive response becomes paired with doubt and punishment. If this happens repeatedly or if the abuse is very severe, the child begins to doubt their intuitive response and may stop using intuition altogether (because they think it doesn’t work and because using it gets them into more trouble with the person abusing them). This paring of intuition with doubt and punishment can create what behaviorists call a conditioned response. The child becomes conditioned (trained) to avoid further punishment or abuse by responding to abuse with doubt of their internal, intuitive experience or by completely shutting down their intuitive experience. As a result, intuition becomes damaged or goes completely offline.

In addition, remaining connected to intuition means the child is connected to their feelings and the reality of what they are facing, which are incredibly painful. In situations where abuse and neglect are chronic or severe and escape isn’t possible, it is advantageous to disconnect from the reality and the pain of the experience in order to endure it. This is called dissociation. As a result, the child becomes numb, feels disconnected, loses access to some of their memories and disconnects from their instincts or intuition. They are left without an internal guidance system, not knowing who to trust or how to feel, not knowing what is right and what is wrong. Their conditioned response is to disconnect from intuition and emotional experiences in order to avoid pain and confusion at the cost of becoming rudderless.

And, it’s not just unhealthy caregivers who condition children early on to doubt or stop using intuition, the culture does this as well. Western, patriarchal culture encourages and rewards rational, logical, utilitarian, fact-based thinking, decision making and behavior (i.e., masculine ways of thinking, deciding and behaving) and has created an entire ethos and rubric to validate itself (i.e., science and the scientific method). Emotional, intuitive, artistic and mystically based thinking, decision making and behavior (i.e., feminine ways of thinking, deciding and behaving) are disparaged, discouraged and punished. And for no good reason: These mystical, intuitive and feminine ways of thinking, deciding and behaving have actually been recognized as valid by the patriarchy’s rubric; that is, through rigorous scientific study (Radin, 2013, 2018). So, ironically, there is no logical, factual reason for favoring the masculine, rational perspective over the feminine, intuitive perspective; this is based purely in cultural bias and internalized misogyny. In other words, there’s no valid reason to dismiss or discourage the use of intuition, unless misogyny counts as a valid reason.

The dangerous effects of gaslighting

The problem with gaslighting forcing intuition offline is that intuition is an incredibly valuable tool for navigating and interacting with the environment. Not using it can place a person in grave danger. After all, it is what originally signaled danger in the early home environment, even when caregivers overtly stated or implied nothing was wrong. It is the primary tool used to signal danger later in life too. When intuition isn’t working properly, a person cannot fully detect danger or protect themselves from harmful people or environments.

Intuition is actually a psychic ability, a 6th sense, a way to communicate across space and time with the physical environment, other people and the universe itself without the use of known sensory organs. And, as mentioned, the research actually supports the existence of such psychic abilities, unbelievable as that may sound (Radin, 2013, 2018). Intuition provides information that can’t be obtained in any normal, rational way, and as discussed, it is vital information. But, many people have been conditioned to doubt intuition or shut it down completely, often with injurious consequences.

Gaslighting doesn’t just affect children as they are growing up. When the highly reliable, intuitive method of detecting abuse, neglect, gaslighting, exploitation and other forms of danger has been damaged or forced offline, people are more likely to experience repeated abuse, neglect, gaslighting, exploitation and other forms of victimization across their lifespans. Indeed, 51% of people abused as children reported domestic abuse later in their lives. And, if they experienced multiple forms of abuse in childhood (i.e., emotional, physical, sexual and the witnessing of domestic abuse), the rate of domestic abuse later in life rises to 77% (Office for National Statistics, 2017). 77 percent!

Through gaslighting, these individuals are conditioned to believe that experiencing abuse and neglect is perfectly normal and acceptable, and the real problem is their response to this treatment. So, when they find themselves in new relationships or interactions with people who abuse and neglect them, they see these experiences as completely normal and acceptable, and themselves as the problem, beliefs that are further reinforced by additional gaslighting by the new perpetrator. As a result, they remain trapped in a cycle of abuse and neglect.

Are you one of the many who has been conditioned to ignore, doubt or shut down your intuition? Take a moment to consider these examples:

Have you ever said, “If only I had listened to my gut… I had a feeling this was going to happen. And, if I had listened, maybe I could have prevented this”?
Have you ever gotten a feeling about someone or something that you just couldn’t put your finger on or find evidence to support, so you chose to ignore it, only to have it come back to bite you in the ass later?
Have you gotten into unhealthy relationships or harmful situations because you didn’t trust your initial impressions, as “illogical” as they may have seemed at the time?
Did you feel like something was very wrong in your home growing up, but your caregivers explicitly told you or implied that everything was normal and fine?
Have you ever found yourself feeling confused because someone’s words have said one thing but the feeling you’ve gotten about what they’ve said, said another?
Have you ever picked up your phone to contact a friend only to discover that they’d already contacted you, which felt weird, but because there was no rational explanation, you decided to disregard it as coincidence?
Have you let ideas and dreams that feel exciting, right and true for you, go unrealized, because you didn’t see the rational path forward or believe they were possible?
Have you frequently felt bored, disconnected, unmotivated, “meh” or flat?
Have you struggled to feel connected to spirituality or a higher power?
Have you often not known what you needed or wanted?

These are all examples of intuition malfunctioning due to gaslighting conditioning that has paired intuition with doubt, disregard and/or punishment. Intuition needs to be in full working order to successfully navigate the physical world; protect oneself from danger, abuse and exploitation; determine needs and wants; have authentic and connected relationships with others; connect with spirituality and to live a fulfilling, connected, joyous and dream-filled life.

Repairing intuition

The good news is that intuition can be repaired and brought back online again. But, help is often needed from a good therapist, healer or coach to heal trauma wounds and deprogram gaslighting. Healing and deprogramming will, in turn, facilitate the redetection of intuition and bring back a sense of safety to its utilization, after previous punishment experiences. In addition, a mindfulness practice, targeting intuition, combined with data collection, is another important means of bringing intuition back online and decoding its messages.

Deconditioning or deprograming the harmful gaslighting that damaged intuition and reconditioning or reprograming healthier beliefs into one’s system is very difficult to do alone and is often inadvisable. Old gaslighting programming causes disorientation, so it’s difficult for individuals to differentiate factual beliefs from the fictional ones created by gaslighting without receiving reliable, outside corroboration. In some cases, the gaslighting has been so severe that individuals struggle to grasp the nature of reality itself, necessitating outside assistance and the use of grounding procedures. The deprogramming process also involves healing trauma, which requires professional help. Venturing into past traumas alone and without professional help can be treacherous because, if done incorrectly, re-traumatization can occur. The assistance of a gifted therapist, coach or healer is necessary to prevent disorientation and re-traumatization, repair the harmful programming and trauma wounds, and develop new, healthier belief systems.

Further, a mindfulness practice, targeting intuition, combined with data collection, is an essential means of bringing intuition back online and decoding its messages. Mindfulness just refers to the act of bringing awareness. In this case, bringing awareness back to internal, intuitive processes. This includes tuning into intuition’s idiosyncratic signaling process, understanding the difference between an intuitive “yes” and an intuitive “no,” discerning the intuitive voice from the voices of old fears and gaslighting programming, and decoding intuition’s complex and idiosyncratic message content.

The basics: Intuitive signaling

Although intuition is designed to provide detailed messages, in the beginning, it’s easiest to simply figure out when intuition is signaling and determine whether it’s giving an intuitive “yes” or an intuitive “no,” rather than trying to decode its complicated messages. The latter will come with practice. So, for now, focus on the basics.

The voice of intuition varies for different people, but I’ll include some common examples to be used as a starting point to determine what your intuitive voice might sound or look like. Think the following as signals that your intuition has a message or guidance for you. What that full message is, is what you will learn to decode with practice. For now, just pay attention to when it’s signaling for you to listen.

Your intuition might appear in the form of a resonant feeling or it might “ring true” or “lock in” for you; you might feel goosebumps, a chill/cool sensation, a hot flash, a flash/jolt of energy, a feeling of joy/excitement, a funny feeling in your stomach, nausea, tears; your ears might ring; you might laugh when you hear a piece of wisdom or a message; you might hear a small, quiet voice; or you might hear a message in an accent or different language (Ogren, 2019). Start tuning in and take note of which, if any, of these experiences shows up for you.

The basics: Detecting an intuitive “yes” and an intuitive “no”

After you’ve determined that there’s been an intuitive signal, alerting you to a message or guidance, determine whether that message or guidance is a “yes” or a “no.”

An intuitive “yes,” is something, someone, a situation, a choice, an answer that is right for you, safe and soul-aligned. This will feel good, right, light, free, comforting, peaceful, exciting, joyous, safe and/or like a release. So, an intuitive signal plus one of these positive feelings will indicate that there is soul-alignment.

An intuitive “no,” is something, someone, a situation, a choice, an answer that is wrong for you, unsafe and not soul-aligned; this is often a violation of autonomy, boundaries, values, etc., and can include gaslighting and other forms of abuse. This often shows up as irritation, anger, hatred, a violent urge, anger/heat in the gut, an urge to scream or a “fuck no” attitude. So, an intuitive signal plus one of these negative feelings usually indicates that there is NOT soul-alignment.

The basics: Intuitive fear messages versus old fears and gaslighting programming

It is necessary to parse out the voice of intuitive fear, signaling clear and present danger, from the voices of old fears and gaslighting programming, which can confound intuitive messages. Differentiating intuitive fear from old fears and gaslighting programming may require a decent amount of deprogramming and healing work with a therapist, coach or healer, in order to reduce the level of noise interfering with intuition, so as to more accurately determine which voice is speaking.

The voices of old fears and old gaslighting programming can be very difficult to distinguish as such because they can create such strong emotional responses that you may become overwhelmed by them and feel an automatic pull to believe them, as you were initially programmed to do. This overwhelming experience can completely obscure any intuitive signals (e.g., the intuitive “no”) or convince you that the old fears and gaslighting are actually intuitive fears signaling clear and present danger. There are some clues that old fears or gaslighting programming are showing up, and I’ll mention those, but the most effective course of action is to heal the wounds and deprogram the unhelpful belief systems (i.e., gaslighting programming) that are obscuring intuition and preventing accurate discernment. Because, once activated, these old fears and gaslighting programming are such a force of nature that no intuitive mindfulness practice in the world can fend them off. You will need something much stronger, like the energetic combat skills taught by an adept coach, therapist or healer.

Old fears, gaslighting programming and actions in accordance with these typically result in more fear, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness; these feelings are important clues. And, these feelings make logical sense when considering the roots of the old fears and gaslighting programming, which were abusive or (other) traumatic experiences that caused helplessness, hopelessness and powerlessness. Now that you are an adult who is not completely helpless or powerless and is generally equipped to handle clear and present danger, intuitive fears will not register with these feelings, but old fears and gaslighting programming will, so this is one way to differentiate the two. (Caveat: Old fears and gaslighting programming can be triggered by present day, intuitive fears, because the system is interconnected, so differentiation can be difficult until healing and deprogramming have occurred.)

If anything is detectible from intuition when old fears and gaslighting programming are triggered, it will be the “no” response discussed earlier; this is letting you know that whatever is showing up is not true and is not soul-aligned. This is another important clue. But, this “no” may be difficult to detect, given how overwhelming the accompanying emotional experience can be. In contrast, intuitive fears, signaling clear and present danger, inconvenient truths, and actions taken in accordance with these often result in feelings of release, relief, rightness or acceptance which I’ll discuss below.

Intuitive fears, signaling clear and present danger, inconvenient truths, and actions taken in accordance, will be accompanied by an intuitive signal and will show up or result in feelings of release, relief, rightness or acceptance, which can be thought of as a modified form of the intuitive “yes” response. Inconvenient truths are answers, truths or fears that you’d consciously prefer not to be true but deep within your soul, you know to be true. Intuitive fears, inconvenient truths and actions taken in accordance may feel bad initially; there could be anger, grief, disbelief or fear that show up, but after some of the intensity of these emotions has passed, you’ll feel a release, some relief or acceptance (i.e., it is what it is). You’ll know that it was time to let that go, accept the inconvenient truth or take actions to protect yourself from the clear and present danger. You may feel loss or grief related to the person, opportunity, experience, etc., but you’ll know deep down that it was the right choice to make in order to protect yourself in that moment. And, in the case of an inconvenient truth, you’ll know it was time to accept it, grieve, act in accordance, and allow a new future and different experiences to come your way.

The basics: Data collection

This process of becoming mindful of your intuitive signaling, determining intuitive yeses and noes, parsing out old fears and gaslighting programming, and eventually, deciphering complex messages, can be overwhelming. And, even if after you’ve become adept at reading intuitive messages, old fears and gaslighting programming can still creep in, causing you to doubt intuition or experience reluctance using it. So, it is important to collect some cold, hard evidence to refute these voices of doubt and feelings of reluctance. One practice I’ve found helpful is to create an intuition decoder ring.

How to create an intuition decoder ring

Here’s how to create an intuition decoder ring. Procure a notebook to collect your data, begin your intuitive mindfulness practice (discussed above), log your data and ask the following questions (also logging these data):

In what forms does your intuitive signal appear (e.g., do your ears ring, do you feel chills, do you feel a resonance)?
What do your yeses and noes look/feel like?
Is this an intuitive fear or old fears and gaslighting programming?
What emotions do you feel?
What do you notice in your body?
What goes through your mind (e.g., memories, thoughts, images, messages)?
Did you receive any signs or dreams that could be connected?
What’s happening around you and who is involved?
What did you choose to do?
How did things turn out?

After you’ve collected some data, look for patterns, draw conclusions and compile a list linking certain intuitive feelings with certain messages or external experiences: “When I notice X, it means Y.” This is your decoder ring. When you have a certain intuitive feeling or experience, refer back to the decoder ring to more easily determine what’s happened, and modify your ring as needed to improve accuracy and specificity. With enough intuitive mindfulness practice, data collection, healing and deprogramming, you’ll become adept at using your intuition and will even begin to understand its more complex messages. Below, I have included some examples, some of which are basic and some of which involve more complex intuitive messages that can take a bit of time and practice to decipher. Don’t worry if your decoder ring includes only yeses and noes right now, the rest will come with practice.

When I notice that_____ —> it means_____.

I feel like yelling “fuck no” at this person giving me advice —> intuitive “no;” their advice is not soul-aligned or true for me.
I feel light and excited about an invitation to see a new friend —> intuitive “yes;” this experience is soul-aligned for me.
I feel bored or flat —> the person, situation or I am disconnected.
Someone is talking and I just hear, “Blah, blah, blah,” —> this person is rationalizing and hiding the truth from themselves and me.
I want to throw up and scream —> the person I’m talking to has been brainwashed.
I feel highly agitated, want to claw my way out of my body, feel hopeless and as if I’ll never be happy again —> there is a dementor present.

Make sense? Good. Apply the practices as discussed above to tap into one of your most valuable resources.

Dealing with gaslighting at your next family gathering or staff meeting: REcognize it

The good news is that when you become more adept at recognizing when you are being gaslit or otherwise abused, you can do something about it. Getting your intuition back online and running again, by getting professional help and utilizing the practices discussed above, are imperative steps.

After intuition has been repaired, it’s also imperative to recognize when gaslighting has occurred and prevent the gaslighting from hooking you in. How do you know when gaslighting has occurred? You will feel it. After you’ve practiced intuitive mindfulness and collected enough data, you’ll have a pretty good idea of what this feels like for you. Generally, people report a combination of feeling confused or crazy, along with the intuitive “no” response discussed above. Gaslighting feels confusing and crazy because what’s happening is confusing and crazy. The “no” response shows up because there has been a violation and your soul is saying, “Fuck no!” to what has just occurred.

Dealing with gaslighting: Don’t let it hook you in

How do you prevent gaslighting from hooking you in? This can be a tough one if there are old fears and old gaslighting programming that remain unhealed within you; these can become activated by present-day gaslighting, overwhelm your system and hook you into believing the current gaslighting. This is why healing and deprogramming are essential. Until you’ve completed the healing and deprogramming, you are going to need to mentally fight like hell and leave at the first sign of gaslighting.

Dealing with gaslighting: Implement a zero-tolerance policy

Which brings me to another imperative action: Prevent gaslighting from occurring at all by implementing a zero-tolerance policy for gaslighting and other abusive behavior in your life. If you’d like to not be gaslit or abused, you’ll need to stop putting yourself in the path of those who gaslight and abuse, which extends beyond individual people to include aspects of the culture, situations, workplaces, organizations and institutions.

We’ve discussed how to identify gaslighting, but how do you identify other people, aspects of culture, situations, etc. who/that are toxic or likely to abuse you, so you can ultimately prevent gaslighting? With practice, your intuition will let you know immediately and will provide specific messages about what is happening. Until then, remember that toxic people, aspects of culture, situations, etc. all tend to elicit the intuitive “no” response, so if this shows up, heed the warning. Toxic people, aspects of culture, situations, etc. can also cause you to feel bad or drained, so even if your intuitive response isn’t clear, your emotional system may provide these clues. The “bad” feeling shows up because something bad has happened and the “drained” feeling shows up because someone or something has drained your energy. It seems simple enough, but gaslighting takes simple, natural responses and twists them into something perverse and confusing, so this obvious explanation probably doesn’t seem very obvious if you’ve survived gaslighting. Finally, if certain people, aspects of culture, situations, etc. have caused you to feel bad or drained in the past (or exhibited obvious toxicity), they will likely continue to make you feel this way in the future (and continue to exhibit toxicity), so don’t wait for them to harm you again, avoid them altogether.

Dealing with gaslighting: Cut toxic people out

Along these lines, when it’s become clear that someone or something is exhibiting gaslighting or abuse, it is imperative to cut these someones or somethings out of your life. Sound a bit harsh? Not when it comes to abuse. This is why it is vital to implement a zero-tolerance policy for this type of behavior and these types of people. They are harmful and often, downright dangerous, so you need to protect yourself unapologetically. If it’s not possible to cut them out, avoid interacting with them at all costs and set firm boundaries. I understand that avoidance isn’t always possible but make it your goal to not engage with them unless forced to. Don’t worry about being polite, the importance of family ties, being a “team player” or meeting social obligation. Avoid these people and situations like the plague. Keep interactions superficial and brief, which may feel boring and evoke guilt, but feeling bored and guilty are better than being gaslit.

Dealing with gaslighting: Set boundaries & GTFO

If gaslighting begins, set firm boundaries to maintain your dignity and plan your immediate escape. For example, “It’s not cool for you to talk to me like this. I think we’re done here.” Then extricate yourself from the interaction. Or, simply extricate yourself from the interaction. Sometimes preserving your dignity means not saying anything that will further engage or antagonize the gaslighter, including defending yourself.

But, what if you are forced to interact with these people and cannot escape; for example, what if you are trapped with them in a staff meeting or in a car? What I’d recommend is to avoid verbal interaction, even if that makes it weird. If you are forced to verbally interact, keep it brief, to the point and superficial. In work settings and potential legal situations (e.g., a custody battle), be sure to document ALL interactions, and do most interacting via email, so everything is in writing. This way, you can defend yourself if needed. (I’ll add a caveat to defending yourself in a minute.) Also, you’ll want to disengage with them and their energy as much as possible. So, when they talk, try to mentally check out and not really listen to what they are saying. Don’t let them “in.” This will protect you from some of their toxicity. Worried they might have something important to say that you’ll miss? That’s doubtful. These people tend to speak in monologues that are self-absorbed, out-of-touch with reality, perseverative, pompous and generally, contain little information of value. You’ll be missing nothing.

Dealing with gaslighting: Energy shielding & clearing

Energy clearing and shielding techniques are also really helpful to use before and after interactions with these individuals. The more you can prepare and protect yourself in advance, the better, and if being proactive isn’t an option, be sure to clear your energy afterwards. Think of this process as putting on an energetic hazmat suit, then completing a decontamination procedure afterwards, scrubbing your body clean of radioactive material. I have a downloadable, 10-minute energy clearing and protection meditation tool you can try for free here. If you are skeptical about whether all of this energy stuff is real, I get that. I was too, then I experimented with some different techniques and noticed a huge difference. “But you don’t have to take my word for it” (Burton, 1983). Give them a try and see if you notice a difference.

Dealing with gaslighting: Don’t bother arguing

And now for the final, imperative action: Whatever you do, don’t try to argue with gaslighters and other toxic people. There can be a really strong natural pull to defend yourself or “talk it out.” I’m not saying you aren’t within your rights to defend yourself from an attack. You most certainly are. It just won’t get you anywhere. These folks have already demonstrated that they are largely incapable of reason and general human decency, so don’t expect them to respond with compassion and understanding as you make your case. Your efforts will be futile and will further fuel their emotional abuse. It is essential that you understand this truth and adopt it as a mindset when interacting with these individuals. You will not change them. You will not reason with then. You will not get them to feel compassion or understanding for you. What they are doing is working for them and changing it would involve doing some very difficult and painful work that most humans, much healthier than they are, are unwilling to do. Further, the success rate of treatment with these individuals is near zero. In fact, the research shows that therapy actually makes them better at manipulating and abusing others (Bancroft, 2003). They may change for a moment but will revert back to their old ways in good time. Their entire persona is organized around their perceived infallibility and false sense of superiority. Your feedback and any therapeutic intervention will threaten this and ultimately, will be discarded as useless. If the experts have little success in getting through to them, you will have even less. Accept this and move on.

But, what about what I discussed above, about documenting interactions, so you can defend yourself if needed? I’m referring to work and legal scenarios, where you have more than your dignity to lose. In those scenarios, you should absolutely document everything and defend yourself, but understand that attempts to defend yourself in the moment with these individuals will likely be futile. Quietly collect your data and only say what is absolutely necessary to protect yourself in that moment. Then, when the time comes, use what you have to defend yourself in court or with your supervisor.

Now, let’s summarize the imperatives and subpoints for dealing with gaslighting.

Repair your intuition.
Recognize gaslighting using intuitive cues.
Don’t let gaslighting hook you in: Mentally fight like hell and escape.
Prevent gaslighting by implementing a zero-tolerance policy for gaslighting and other forms of toxic behavior in your life.
a. Cut out toxic people, aspects of culture, situations, workplaces, organizations and institutions.
b. If you can’t cut them out, avoid interactions with toxic people, aspects of culture, etc.
c. Set firm boundaries and escape immediately if gaslighting begins.
d. Document interactions when they involve your career or legal scenarios.
e. Use energy clearing and protection techniques.
f. Don’t argue with gaslighters.

I cannot emphasize the final imperative (4f) enough as well as the overall importance of not engaging with these toxic individuals at all. To ensure that you don’t forget this, I will leave you with a pithy quote (often rephrased and misattributed to Mark Twain), which I will then modify to suit our purposes.

“Original” rephrased quote: “Never argue with stupid people. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience” (Cocteau, 1956; Seybold, 2020).

Modified quote: “Never argue with toxic people. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

💥💥💥

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For those who are ready to stop letting the past rob them of the connection, peace and joy the present has to offer: Sessions involve in-depth healing and deprogramming work to bring intuition back online and heal trauma wounds. The work is not easy but if you survived gaslighting and trauma, you can handle this. And, the transformation will be worth it.

Inner child healing session

This is for those of you who know you could benefit from some healing and deprogramming but aren’t ready to commit to a 1:1 package with me. This downloadable product can be used over and over to connect with your inner child and provide healing in ways traditional therapy and coaching cannot. Because it is very powerful and may bring up that which has been buried in the depths, I recommend that you have an emotional support person, healer, coach or therapist who can help process anything that shows up during and after the session. Along those lines, this inner child session is a great tool to use when you’ve hit a wall in traditional therapy, coaching or healing work.

Online dream interpretation course

Dreams are one place intuition still functions properly, even if gaslighting has forced it offline in the waking world. The issue is that Westerners aren’t taught how to interpret dreams, so even though your intuition is speaking to you in dreams, you probably don’t know what it’s saying. This course will teach you the fundamentals and step-by-step dream interpretation methods, so you can begin to decode intuitive messages in your dreams. Can’t remember your dreams? No problem. The course teaches you how to do that too.

Energy clearing and shielding meditation tool

Everyone keeps saying how good meditation is for your physical and mental health, but you just can’t figure out how to get your mind clear long enough to do it. This downloadable, free meditation will walk you through the process of clearing the energetic noise from your mind and body. When you are clear, intuition has the ability to speak. Although this won’t necessarily fix old gaslighting programming, it may allow enough moments of clarity for intuition to begin surfacing again. It will also help you clear and protect yourself from present-day exposure to toxic energy (i.e., arising from unhealthy people, situations and experiences like gaslighting), when used before and after exposure. And, it only takes 10 minutes.

If you’re not ready to try out any products or services, but you’re picking up what I’m laying down and you’d like to hear more, you can sign up for my newsletter: a collection of useful information, incoherent ramblings and information on my products and services.

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References

Bancroft, L. (2003). Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. New York: Berkley Books.

Burton, L. (1983). Reading Rainbow. United States: Public Broadcasting Company (PBS).

Cocteau, J., quoted by Hal Boyle. (1956, November 13). Actor Keeps Himself Bald. The Ithica Journal. Retrieved from https://www.newspapers.com/image/255102576/?fcfToken=eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJmcmVlLXZpZXctaWQiOjI1NTEwMjU3NiwiaWF0IjoxNjc0MTQ3ODYyLCJleHAiOjE2NzQyMzQyNjJ9.SgkndchLQaZpi9lCDNuQhHVHOqkZ57G4cFPlPfN6j7Q

Ehlers, A., & Clark, D. M. (2008). Posttraumatic stress disorder: The development of effective psychological treatments. Nordic Journal of Psychiatry, 62, 11-18. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3059487/pdf/ukmss-34402.pdf

Office for National Statistics. (2017). People who were abused as children are more likely to be abused as an adult. Retrieved January 10, 2023, from UK Statistics Authority https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/peoplewhowereabusedaschildrenaremorelikelytobeabusedasanadult/2017-09-27

Ogren, J. (2019). Psychological Shamanism. In: Institute of Noetic Sciences.

Radin, D. (2013). Supernormal: Science, Yoga, and the Evidence for Extraordinary Psychic Abilities. New York: Deepak Chopra Books.

Radin, D. (2018). Real Magic: Ancient Wisdom, Modern Science, and a Guide to the Secret Power of the Universe. New York: Harmony Books.

Seybold, M. (2020). The apocryphal Twain: “Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.”. Center for Mark Twain Studies. Retrieved from https://marktwainstudies.com/the-apocryphal-twain-never-argue-with-stupid-people-they-will-drag-you-down-to-their-level-and-beat-you-with-experience/

Wikipedia-Gas Light. (1938). Gas Light. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting. Retrieved December 15th, 2022 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting